Surprises.

Sometimes I even surprise myself.

A different way of being - a different way of thinking.

Rationalising things that aren't meant to be rationalised (okay that isn't even remotely new)

Happier with myself, and my decisions, than I think I should be allowed to be.

11:11.

Relieved. Excited. Stressed.

Demanding physically and emotionally.

Empowering.

Enlightening.

I barely even recognize myself. 

voted.

Who pays for the "I voted" stickers?

In all honesty. We need them for uni, but I feel they are a bit redundant in the real world. Just sayin' 

Endorphin

Happiness.

Smile.

I really should not be as happy as I am - but I. Just. am. 

conundrum.

what do you do when you know you have a problem

but you have no intention - or desire - to fix it? 

Ego, is not a dirty word.

A sentiment I don't tend to agree with.


There are many instances were having too much of an Ego can be, and is, a negative thing.


However, there are instances where having an ego (or confidence) is a good thing.


When is the right time to be confident, egotistical [ego-testical for those who remember those days?] or when is it best, to just shut up, smile and be pretty?

I guess I'm falling into a gender trap here. That if I'm flaunting my ego, then I'm not being feminine. Why do I feel that way? I shouldn't. Realistically. I can be a confident woman without it being a real issue, right? yet, it doesn't really feel that way.

I guess a lot of this stems from a deep inner psyche - my own issues with gender roles in society and in my own life. That girls should be seen and not heard, and yet... I'm not that. Not even a little a bit.

I want to say I'm confident in myself - and I don't feel that should be a negative thing.

But the truth is a lot more complicated than that.

At times I am boisterous and obnoxious (read: confident) but realistically I am just as insecure and nervous as the next person, if not more.

Facade? maybe. Question is, why do I need it? Or better yet, why do I want it? 

Happiness.

Should not be placed in other peoples hands.

and yet - it so often is.

peace out.

What if?

A constant struggle of life.

What if I hadn't have...?

What if I don't...? 

What if I can't... ? 

What if I do... ?

What if I can't cope... ? 

What if I'm settling ... ?

What if I'm struggling... ? 

What if this is the best it's going to get... ? 

What if it is the worst?

life. so uncertain. 

guilt.

over riding my being.

painful.

heartbreaking.

guilt.

being a human and making terrible mistakes is just not fun. 

2am.

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?


And if you close your eyes,  does it almost feel like nothings changed at all?

a breathe of fresh air

inhale. deep. breath.

hold it tight in my lungs. 

exhale.

trying to hold onto the memories, the sensations. 

the exhilaration.

is there such a thing as too much of a good thing? 

too much fun? 

too much freedom? 

happy to be alive. 

Exciting times

8.5 weeks left until I leave the country on my very own exciting adventure!  To see the world ! Well central America. To learn Spanish, to teach English, to learn about myself and to celebrate true adulthood.

Strange huh?

Cannot wait!

So much money draining from my savings account (not yet since I have paid for everything on credit cards so far but soon)

Exciting none the less to think I will soon be jetting off all by myself for the very first time. Eee!

.

time has past.

I made up my mind.

I bought my flights. [life is great]

now to work. and save. and plan. and feel like the edge of the world is just in my reach.

ready and waiting, on the precipice of the rest of my life.

excited. to travel. to learn. to understand.

still feels a bit like I'm treading water until then though.

waiting. waiting. waiting. 

Family.

The past week has been full of a lot of time spent with family.

Time I wouldn't normally get.

Sleep overs.

Drunken nights.

Crazy nights.

Many stories. Secrets. Lies. Heartaches.

Release. Tears. Hugs. Love.

Fear.

It was lovely to see my sister for an entire weekend, to express my fears and concerns about my future and my life with my family, and to get their opinion.

Family.

So vital, so important.

Trust, Love and Faith.

Clear as mud

One week.

This is how long I am giving myself to decide. Big or small. Corporate or family.

I feel each day I get closer to deciding and then I end up just as confused as ever the next day.

I think I may actually have a condition where I am unable to decide. What.A.Joke.

I don't want to feel guilty. For leaving or for staying.

I think that giving it a go might be the best option,  then I can come back if it isn't what I want.

But right now I am scared and stuck. That once I do make a decision I'm still going to be in murky water.

Why must it be so difficult? 

Somebody. Please tell me what I want. Please.

Conservative

In a nut shell. I think I found my problem.


I'm conservative


I don't take risks


I never have


I follow more often than lead, because it's comfortable and easy and because it is trusted.


I don't spend money (if I can help it) I first discovered this at a young age - Ironically playing Neopets. I cared more about the size of my bank account that I didn't even feed my poor pets.


I think this is why I am struggling so much with the decision I need to make. Because it isn't clear. There is no answer. I can't solve this the way I would a mathematics problem. And I know not all of them have a clear solution either, but this is different. There isn't a path I see that is clearly better than the other.

There isn't a path that doesn't get me at least a little bit dirty.

What do I do now?

Where do I want to go?

Who do I want to be?

I want to matter.

I want to enjoy my job.

I want to be good at it.

I don't want to stress.

I want to travel, now and in the future.

I want to succeed, I want to be able to use the skills that I have in a way that will make a difference.

I think I like being a Pricing Analyst more than I do Data, if today was anything to go by.

Its hard to believe how much I have learnt in the last three months working in Electricity, and its hard to believe how scary I found it at first. Okay I still do sometimes.

I think that is another issue, that I still - quite regularly - feel stressed. And the need to prove myself, and my worth, and my talent (what is that again?!) that isn't even a joke. I still struggle to fathom what I am good at on my bad days. Today however was one of my good days.

I like the good days - although, at times I kind of wish I hated my job and leaving it would be easy, rather than this mess I seem to have got myself into at the moment. What do I do, and how do I do it?

Who would have thought having to decide your career at 22 would be this hard? Maybe it isn't really hard at all and I'm just scared. Probably.

Tomorrow I think I will write a Pro-Con list. 

rock & hardplace

It is time to figure out what I want from my life - do I take the big corporate job that I have already accepted - or do I forge ahead with a company that has the potential to really change things.


It seems like it isn't really an issue, what do you want? but the question is, what do I want? Whilst the bottom dollar is a big part of it, it isn't everything.

Where do I see myself in 5 years? Where do I see myself in 3 years? What do I want from my career?

The truth?

I want Career progression. I don't want to be the bottom feeder my entire life.

I want to earn good money, but similarly work hard to do so.

I want to be a part of something, something that means something to someone.

I want to be able to use my mathematics - at least a bit.

I want to be able to use the personal skills I also have developed over the past 22 years of existing.

I want to travel (right now, but if I take a full time job that could be put on the back burner)

I want to continue learning (not necessarily studying, but learning. Data insight, or higher level statistics, or hell just about the electricity industry in general)

I want to know I didn't make the wrong decision - but what if it I do?

I want to not feel guilty, but at the moment, no matter which decision I make I know I will feel guilty.

60

hour.work.week.

what?

is this even legitimate?

not even half way there yet either. 40 hours in the next 3 days, going to die. fuckmylife.

so excited to a spare minute, or hour, or day to myself.

to think and have fun.

to run around, maybe even outside!

had date night last night. Was much fun.

Went to the movies for the first time since I can remember, I genuinely can't remember that last time I went to the movies... was it even this year? Actually I am now having a flashback to going to the movies at Jam Factory somewhat recently - so maybe that's a lie. I'm struggling with the fact I can't remember what it may have been - starting to lose my marbles, clearly.

At work at the moment, phone isn't ringing, kind of bored. Not looking forward to tomorrow when I struggle with determining the excel formula to deal with of 60,000 data cells and NOT crash the computer. Frustrating. Heart wrenching. Takes 10x longer than is necessary. The words "not enough resources" actually drives me crazy!

*breathes deep*

I'm actually going through a phase of trying to fix my sleep patterns, that is reducing them so I don't sleep so.damn.much. So instead of needing so much sleep I can utilize my days and all those precious hours..

8.25 hours.

Go to sleep at 11:30pm

wake up 7:45am

I can, I will do this. *definite nod*

One free day

Today was the first day since finishing exams that I haven't had to go to work.

I don't know why this should seem like such a surprise to myself - but it is. I didn't even realize I had agreed to work quite that much and all of a sudden I am working beyond belief.

Would be a lot better if I didn't feel like I was still struggling financially - I am aware that I'm not actually struggling - money is just such an elusive measure. You have it, until you don't. (huh, philosophical there!)


But in all seriousness - its like no matter how much more I make, it doesn't seem quick enough or that it will last me til my next pay cycle (even though it always does). Stupid really, but a fact of life.

I have been panicking a little bit recently about my exams, struggling to find what I am going to do if I fail. It really isn't the end of the world - but it isn't a fun thought either.

In other news, I have enjoyed this day off pretty well. Breakfast with the in-laws, lunch with the boy, did my washing and now watching some Grey's Anatomy whilst writing a blog. Definitely could have had a worse day.

Big day tomorrow, working 9am - 9pm for good ol' Tom, back to back five hours shift with a two hour break. I'm actually quite excited for it. Although I am not all that good at getting up early enough for a 9am start. Although I am sure I will, it is going to be slightly difficult for me to do so. 

The money is definitely worth the slight torment though. Definitely.

And now I am going to play some Zelda and have some good funtimes. see ya'll later

xx

My University Career In Numbers

• 3.5 years
• 7 semester
• 24 subjects
• 15 maths
• 4 Breadth
• 3 Chemistry
• 2 Physics
• 20 exams (at least 70%)
• 0 fails*
• >60 written assignments
• >300 pages of written assignments
• 6 Essays [10 000 word count]
• 4 foam parties
• 6 EOX 
• 1 Paint'n'Glow
• 2 Prosh Weeks
• 1 Long Drive

• 3 Productions
• 10 jobs
• 2 overseas trips
• 10 countries
• countless adventures
• 1 Road Trip
• 6 seasons of Volleyball
• 8 seasons of Netball
• 2 seasons of Basketball
• 1 Premiership
• 7 Runners up
• 1 club Best & Fairest
• 2 years FLW committee 
• Social Officer 2011-12
• Company Manger 2012-13
• 2 subjects as Class Rep
• Countless free BBQ's  

Finally Free - I hope

Well.

These past 3 weeks have been a blur, of studying and crying.
of eating and sleeping.
rinse and repeat.

It has been a hard slog.

and I'm not even sure if I have passed.

I have a sick empty feeling inside that is saying to me - you haven't passed.

It's such a possibility.

Such a big, brutal possibility.

What do I do when or if that happens?

For now I wait. I wait with abated breath.

with strong, strong levels of concern.

A feeling deep in my stomach that feels like I am constantly on the verge of throwing up.

Although I think that is a little (or a lot) to do with the other things going on at the moment.

Somebody asked me about it, and I said it was the emotional equivalent of being kicked in the nuts. I don't know what that feels like, but if I did, I would say it was something like this.

Something I should have realized was on the cards to be honest - and yet it still came as such a shock. Like a slap to the face, or an unexpected glass of water.

I want to say now is a bad time, but is there ever a good time? Probably not. Just wish I knew if I was passing or failing first. That would be nice.