Family.

The past week has been full of a lot of time spent with family.

Time I wouldn't normally get.

Sleep overs.

Drunken nights.

Crazy nights.

Many stories. Secrets. Lies. Heartaches.

Release. Tears. Hugs. Love.

Fear.

It was lovely to see my sister for an entire weekend, to express my fears and concerns about my future and my life with my family, and to get their opinion.

Family.

So vital, so important.

Trust, Love and Faith.

Clear as mud

One week.

This is how long I am giving myself to decide. Big or small. Corporate or family.

I feel each day I get closer to deciding and then I end up just as confused as ever the next day.

I think I may actually have a condition where I am unable to decide. What.A.Joke.

I don't want to feel guilty. For leaving or for staying.

I think that giving it a go might be the best option,  then I can come back if it isn't what I want.

But right now I am scared and stuck. That once I do make a decision I'm still going to be in murky water.

Why must it be so difficult? 

Somebody. Please tell me what I want. Please.

Conservative

In a nut shell. I think I found my problem.


I'm conservative


I don't take risks


I never have


I follow more often than lead, because it's comfortable and easy and because it is trusted.


I don't spend money (if I can help it) I first discovered this at a young age - Ironically playing Neopets. I cared more about the size of my bank account that I didn't even feed my poor pets.


I think this is why I am struggling so much with the decision I need to make. Because it isn't clear. There is no answer. I can't solve this the way I would a mathematics problem. And I know not all of them have a clear solution either, but this is different. There isn't a path I see that is clearly better than the other.

There isn't a path that doesn't get me at least a little bit dirty.

What do I do now?

Where do I want to go?

Who do I want to be?

I want to matter.

I want to enjoy my job.

I want to be good at it.

I don't want to stress.

I want to travel, now and in the future.

I want to succeed, I want to be able to use the skills that I have in a way that will make a difference.

I think I like being a Pricing Analyst more than I do Data, if today was anything to go by.

Its hard to believe how much I have learnt in the last three months working in Electricity, and its hard to believe how scary I found it at first. Okay I still do sometimes.

I think that is another issue, that I still - quite regularly - feel stressed. And the need to prove myself, and my worth, and my talent (what is that again?!) that isn't even a joke. I still struggle to fathom what I am good at on my bad days. Today however was one of my good days.

I like the good days - although, at times I kind of wish I hated my job and leaving it would be easy, rather than this mess I seem to have got myself into at the moment. What do I do, and how do I do it?

Who would have thought having to decide your career at 22 would be this hard? Maybe it isn't really hard at all and I'm just scared. Probably.

Tomorrow I think I will write a Pro-Con list. 

rock & hardplace

It is time to figure out what I want from my life - do I take the big corporate job that I have already accepted - or do I forge ahead with a company that has the potential to really change things.


It seems like it isn't really an issue, what do you want? but the question is, what do I want? Whilst the bottom dollar is a big part of it, it isn't everything.

Where do I see myself in 5 years? Where do I see myself in 3 years? What do I want from my career?

The truth?

I want Career progression. I don't want to be the bottom feeder my entire life.

I want to earn good money, but similarly work hard to do so.

I want to be a part of something, something that means something to someone.

I want to be able to use my mathematics - at least a bit.

I want to be able to use the personal skills I also have developed over the past 22 years of existing.

I want to travel (right now, but if I take a full time job that could be put on the back burner)

I want to continue learning (not necessarily studying, but learning. Data insight, or higher level statistics, or hell just about the electricity industry in general)

I want to know I didn't make the wrong decision - but what if it I do?

I want to not feel guilty, but at the moment, no matter which decision I make I know I will feel guilty.

60

hour.work.week.

what?

is this even legitimate?

not even half way there yet either. 40 hours in the next 3 days, going to die. fuckmylife.

so excited to a spare minute, or hour, or day to myself.

to think and have fun.

to run around, maybe even outside!

had date night last night. Was much fun.

Went to the movies for the first time since I can remember, I genuinely can't remember that last time I went to the movies... was it even this year? Actually I am now having a flashback to going to the movies at Jam Factory somewhat recently - so maybe that's a lie. I'm struggling with the fact I can't remember what it may have been - starting to lose my marbles, clearly.

At work at the moment, phone isn't ringing, kind of bored. Not looking forward to tomorrow when I struggle with determining the excel formula to deal with of 60,000 data cells and NOT crash the computer. Frustrating. Heart wrenching. Takes 10x longer than is necessary. The words "not enough resources" actually drives me crazy!

*breathes deep*

I'm actually going through a phase of trying to fix my sleep patterns, that is reducing them so I don't sleep so.damn.much. So instead of needing so much sleep I can utilize my days and all those precious hours..

8.25 hours.

Go to sleep at 11:30pm

wake up 7:45am

I can, I will do this. *definite nod*